Is it that God wants us?

Often, when I ask my friends who are in relationships what it is about the other person that makes them so amazing, one of the answers I often get is that they “need” each other. Not only do I see this in life, but I also see it in movies and television; I read it in books.

Now, I’m not saying this is not true. Perhaps God makes us a compatible mate that we “need” in order to reach the fullness of what He has for us. I know that I have more than occasionally in the recent years noted to friends and mentors that I feel so very incomplete, alone. Yet, all this led me to ask a question.

Is being needed by another person, the most perfect way?

I have this wacked out theory…being needed is not what I want. What I want is this: to be desperately wanted by a beautiful friend (female, naturally) that I, in return, desperately want. I have look at past girls who I have thought I needed, and not to say all of them no longer figure rather prominently in my current musings about love, but can I truly say that I “needed” them? If I needed them, what was God?

The truth is that upon my rejection, in spite of feelings of overwhelming darkness, loneliness, and immanent demise, I did not actually “need” them. All along what I “needed” was Jesus Christ. It doesn’t make for a great love story, doesn’t cause girls to swoon and guys to say, “atta-boy”, but on a cosmic scale and in my heart it resonates with a chord that vibrates through the whole of the universe.

If God is Love (1 John 4:8), then it is natural that our earthly musings on love should lead us back to Him. Here I apply the same question: what is better, to be needed or to be wanted? Due to the nature of God, that He is transcendent and in no way dependent on us for His existence, I have to conclude that, in this case, the more perfect love is that God desperately wants us.

God doesn’t need us.
He is not dependent upon us.
He existed before us, would exist after us if He had so chosen, without us.
God wants us.

“Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 John 4:10) If God needed us, He needed us to live forever so that He might have a reason or foundation for His own existence, then would sending Jesus to die on the cross for our sins have been truly love? Would it have not simply been self-preservation?

No, God did not and does not need us. Rather, praise Him, He desperately wants us. He wants us to live forever with Him; He wants us to live in peace with Him in this life. It is an example of how God’s transcendence makes His immanence all the more powerful, all the more magnificent. He could of done without us. Like Pilate, He could of washed His hands of us. Rather, He saw us: wayward, scared, sinful, and broken. He saw us and He was filled with compassion for us.

He loved us. He wanted us. Desperately.

Heart Breaker or Heart Hardener?

There come times in our lives when our past sins haunt our thoughts. I have found myself driving through town on a sun drenched, spring day with thoughts of how I lacked self-control and endangered a friends heart by being unable, or unwilling, to think clearly in the face of my pain. Then, while riding a horse through the hill country, I saw a tree that bore a color I once saw in a restaurant where I had embarrassed my girlfriend by losing my temper over nothing. Perhaps, there were extenuating circumstances in both cases, but those circumstances do nothing to cancel out my responsibility. In a society where we always find an excuse for our misdoings, and as a person who (more often than not) seeks to reason out other people’s failings and find the notion of sin repugnant, I can not escape the fact that I sin. When I am honest, I quote to myself Paul’s words, of sinners “I am chief” (1 Tim 1:15). At least, that is how I feel.

The sins that embarrass me the most are the sins I commit that break up a relationship, as though there were really any other kind. Once, I sat with a friend at camp. Our mutual friend had returned from being away that summer with another ministry, and now there was tension between my two friends. It was there that I realized we see the face of God in our relationships. Satan, desiring that we be blind to God’s face, tempts us to be hurt, angry, and wronged by our loved ones to the point of non-reconciliation. Basically, he tempts us to be unforgiving. Our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Our already diseased hearts are affected greatly by sin. Sin has one of two effects on our hearts. It will harden our hearts or will break our hearts. Sin will either work to the Adversary’s advantage and bring death into our lives, or, if we are humble and contrite, will be used by The Lord to bring healing into our lives. Oh God, how bazaar and wonderful He is.
God confronted Pharaoh, brought his sin to the forefront, and gave him the opportunity to do the right thing. It was like a gift from God with a freakin’ bow on it. “Pharaoh, the right thing to do here is let my people go. Shoot, I’m going to make it easy for you, I’ll send miracles along with my spokesman, Moses, to convince you this is the right thing to do.” How does Pharaoh deal with the message? He hardens his heart. For eight plagues Pharaoh hardens his heart. He says that he will do what the Lord asks, and then he hardens his heart and refuses to do so. Then, in Chapter 10:1 pharaoh’s account of the Lord’s patience is overdrawn. God states, “I have hardened his heart.” While, God is completely sovereign and able to do what He wants, I still believe that Pharaoh, by his continued actions, in essence, gave God permission to harden his heart, and, in an ironic act of history, God accepted his permission. Pharaoh’s lust for more separated him from God by the hardening of his heart (Eph. 4:18-20).

Remember that time a friend was trying, with tears in their eyes, to tell you they didn’t mean to hurt you, and you just refused to believe it? We set our jaw, allowed the fires of hate into our gentle eyes, and refused to believe. We settle for less than reconciliation; we settle for vindication.

In another story, Jesus comes upon a well and asks the woman there to give him a drink. Jesus tells the woman about living water, of which those who drink never again become thirsty. This catches the woman’s interest. When she asks Jesus where she can get this water, Jesus tells her to run and get her husband. Well, interestingly enough this woman is complete hussy. There’s a reason she’s out there in the middle of the day enduring the heat to get water. Only decent women are allowed to go to the well in the cool of the morning. She’s an outcast, a whore whose infidelities are well known. She tells Jesus that she has no husband. I always find this next part interesting. Jesus doesn’t respond with a kind word, or question why she doesn’t have a husband. Instead he pretty much throws her sin right in her face. “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is that you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have said is quite true.” (John 4:17-18) Equally interesting to me is the woman’s response to Jesus. She doesn’t get angry, or make excuses. She doesn’t even try and defend herself. When somebody gets in my face about my sin, I usually at least make a token attempt at defending myself. This woman tells Jesus that it is obvious He is a prophet and in doing so pretty much says, “Yep, you nailed it on the head.” She admits to her sin.

Jesus brought her sin to the forefront and it broke her heart. She received the Lord’s admonition with humility and faith. Jesus then revealed to her the true meaning of worship and that he himself, the one who told her everything she had ever done, was the messiah that even this trashy woman had been waiting for.

On those days where the sun-warmed breezes blow in my window, it always surprises me that unpleasant thoughts and regrets can seep into my mind. Perhaps I have an ironic mind that is reminded of the ugly because the beauty is so encompassing. Maybe, in the beauty I feel safe to confront the ugliness. When it comes to sin, to hurts and rejections that we’d rather not have participated in, how do we handle it? Are our hearts so dark that it flees from the light? Do we put up hard walls around our hearts so that we may continue to abide in the darkness? Or, do we allow the Light of the World to make us feel safe enough to confront and allow ourselves to be convicted of our sins?

Storms

I came to UMHB after a big storm. With nothing left but my car, my guitar, and about four days of clothes, I pretty much had nothing but God and the graceful compassion of others. I spent my first few months at UMHB settling down and happy to have found a place, honestly, I was glad to call home. Between the love and the warmth I had been shown by people I hoped and figured that the storms in my life had come to an end.

However, even though I found myself very blessed at UMHB, the storms kept coming. In fact, they intensified. My family, while not completely falling apart, descended into entropy. I suddenly found myself unable to call and talk to the people I would always turn to when I was upset about something, because they were that about which I was upset.
I found that friends with whom I thought I was close were not as close to me as I thought. Friendship is one of God’s great blessings in our lives. I believe that God hates to see friendships destroyed. That’s why our hearts break when those whom we hold great affection do not hold the same affection for us. Is this to say that we can never rely on our families? Never rely on our friends? No. God reveals himself to us in relationship, as is demonstrated in the Trinity and His creation. He is in relationship with himself and he is in relationship with us. We see and understand his character in Godly relationships. It’s just, that we live in this yet to be fully restored world. Our relationships with other people, those we love, do not work out the way they probably should.
We cannot stand upon other people. We cannot stand upon other institutions. We cannot stand on our dreams. We can only stand on the word of God. That alone can be our foundation. Jesus tells at story about a man who built his house on rock. The storm came flying in with winds blowing and floods raging. Yet, the house withheld the onslaught to be found standing after the storm had passed. Another man, chose to build his house on sand (the way I figure he probably built it six feet below sea level also). The same storm blew threw. In this case when the storm was gone, so was the house. The man who built his house on rock represents that person who hears Jesus words and acts on them, the man who built his house on sand was the person who hears Jesus’ word, yet doesn’t act on them.
So, we know that we cannot build our foundation on those people we are closest to. But, what does Jesus story mean when those people hurt us? Those close people who hurt us?
You see, believe it or not, it is a way easier to forgive those people we share no or little close intimate connection with. They do not affect us the same way. We haven’t let them in through our defenses; we have not made ourselves vulnerable to them. Those people do not share in the intimacy reserved for close friends and family. I can forgive some dude making a rude gesture at me for no reason while I’m driving down the road easier than I can when my father lies to me. Maybe, it’s because I don’t have a vested interest in that dude driving down the road, or maybe its because I know he is not suppose to care for me. At least, he has no worldly reason. I know my family and friends are supposed to care for me.
I don’t know how it happens, but at some point we just get pierced through the heart with their love, like an arrow. Then, for whatever reason, they come along and pull that arrow out of our heart, leaving us to slowly bleed out as we lie in a pool of our tears and sing a mournful song with our sobs. Hard as we may try to take the blame in order to hold onto an illusion of control, sometimes a relationship just gets destroyed by no fault of our own. Sometimes the people we are closest to hurt us, and not because we hurt them.
Maybe they get sick. Maybe they freak out and run. Maybe they never really cared.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts of them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24 NASB)
Have you ever considered how hard this can be? If you have ever been hurt deeply by someone, consider this; consider forgiveness. “Forgive our sins, as we forgive everyone who has done wrong to us” (Luke 11:4 CEV) And…
“But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:15 NIV) So, what if we did not do anything? Forgive. What if we are so hurt we can barely function? Forgive. What about when they make no action to restore themselves to us? Forgive. Why? I think that Jesus meant more by His commandment to forgive one another than just to give us a hard teaching. If we do not forgive, then we will be swept away by the winds and floods of bitterness that crash against our walls.

I wonder if this is possible. I really do. How can we act on this teaching that we have heard, when inside we are dying? We are driven to despair by the hurt in our hearts and forgiveness seems to be the least compatible act in regards to the condition of our heart. It is possible; this is something we have to believe.
Remember that when things got rough for Jesus, His friends cut and ran. They negated their friendship by being ashamed of him. He did nothing to deserve it; rather He did everything needed for them to stay with Him. Did they come out to find him, or were they locked up in a room hiding doing nothing to restore things? In spite of all this Jesus forgave them. Not only that, He forgave the ones who put Him up on the cross as he hung there in brokenhearted agony. Forgiveness was not easy for Jesus. It is not easy for us. But, it is possible and it is right. Moreover, it is necessary for healing. It is right, it’s hard, it is good, and it is love. In it we find our foundation.

Through it we find Christ.

Birthday Party

he top side of my hand rested against the kaki of her pants, covering her legs. She had her arm draped casually behind me, more than likely due to the crowded conditions of the couch more than anything. Still, I hardly noticed the other side of my body, pressed hard against Joshua. No, it was the top of my hand, my shoulder, and the middle part of my side I noticed. It was those things and the way that she would not adjust her arm when I would occasionally lay my head back, tired from a long day.
The thoughts in my mind converged into an all to familiar symphony of analysis and emotions, hopes and realities. The last time we had been physically this close was the beginning of an awful chapter in our lives together. Walls that had willingly been taken down were thrown back up in unreal haste, honesty that had been invoked, regretted.
The dimensions of her sides are gorgeous. She is the most beautiful of women, with the most beautiful of minds, my best friend, and my nothing at all.
However, there is truth that gets obscured in these storms of confusion. For example, to call her “my nothing at all” is a misnomer. In fact, she is of the highest value to me; she is my best friend. She always will be, whether our story brings her into my arms or the embrace of someone else. Love is greater than that, it is true and right, not something to be destroyed because my finite mind cannot grasp the essence of One infinite.
Still, it is a rare thing to find one who desperately wants us like we want them. This rare thing, I have not found. Perhaps it is she to eventually be found, perhaps someone else. Oh love, how wonderful is its terribleness. I swear if she could see inside my heart she would be amazed and want me too. It is interesting to note that I do not use the phrase, “love me”. I think this is because I know she loves me. Again, love is deep and beyond our understanding. Were she ever to want me, it would not increase or lessen her love for me, it would focus it in a direction new and mystifying. Maybe it would increase. Maybe what I mean is that I am happy for the way she loves me now, because even in this state it is amazing.
Why don’t people understand how great a showing of true love it is when we say nothing at all, because it is out of love that we not complicate their lives, that we respect their desire not to want us. I like to imagine or believe there is no other man in this world that could cherish her the way I do, be for her what I could be, love her with the passion capable in me. Yet, I hold not the omnipresence to know that definitively.
I hold onto a promise that I don’t understand or know what it is about. Is that what hope is? I have found that there are other girls out there, few they may be, that equal her in my desire to want and be wanted by. Yet, she still ends up first and foremost in my hierarchy. I pray she would want me. I pray I would not want her. I pray something would happen.
As we part in the darkness, her goodbye, typical as it is, reminds me once again that she doesn’t want me. I drive away from her party into the dark blue Texas night with a weather system blowing in. It’s a beautiful night.

Christians hold a very peculiar place in the world.  On one hand we have the adominitions of James that “friendship with the world is emnity with God”, or of John that we ought not love the world, for if we do we do not have the love of the Father within us.  Yet, in the Gospel of John Jesus expressly asks God the Father not to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one (17:15).  The phrase, “In the world but not of the world” would seem to accurately describe where Christians ought to find themselves in relation to the world.Essentially, the conundrum Christians find themselves in is how to be the radical countercultural force that Jesus portrays, while maintaining our ability to communicate the gospel with the culture.  What steps do we take to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world, or conversely, from allowing our fear of the world to keep us from proclaiming the Good News?  All to often in our search for an easy answer we end up off course, worse we miss the point.First, Christians have bought into a form of relativism which sacrifices tradition in the name of relevance.  The end all be all of mondern christianity is not “relevance”. While it is important, in being relevant it is important that we not completely do away with tradition.  Basic Christianity has become more and more shallow.  Worship has become more and more generational.  Should the phrase, “Cutting-Edge Worship” even exist?  Worship is about God, not about relevance and certaintly not about us.  The Bible doesn’t talk about “cutting-edge worship”, if anything it prescribes being very traditional in worship.  Worship was never meant to be the form of Christian Entertainment it has become.  It was meant to be first about God and second about the condition of our heart.Is that to say that things like modern music and technology undercut tradition?  It does not nessisarily have to be so.  Rather than replacing the time honored traditions of the church, we ought augment them.  In the age of information technology the message of the Gospel should be explained in the greatest of depth, truth, and education.

A Maundy Thursday Meditation

Have you ever considered the grief that Jesus experienced in the garden, following the Last Supper?  His grief was so bad, that he sweated great drops of blood (Luke 22:44).  He prayed earnestly in the midst of his grief and sorrow.  Yet, in the garden that night he was not the only who’s sorrow was great.  But, he was the only one who was awake.  His friends could bring him no comfort in their mutual sorrow, because they could not stay awake.  Loneliness is its own special kind of hell.A few hours earlier, he had celebrates his last meal before his crucifixion.  He shared his last meal with folks who doubted him, who sought selfish gain, and would betray him.  In spite of that, it was like any meal with friends, he ate with people who he loved.  He ate with people who loved him, albeit less well than Jesus loved them.  But, he chose to enjoy his last meal with them, to share something special with them.Recently, I’ve found myself in great sorrow.  Grief has covered me like a blanket.  Speaking to my father one night, he made an interesting theory about Jesus’ grief in the garden.  I had always assumed that his grief came from him knowing that he was going to have to die on the cross.  Perhaps the reason his grief such that it was is found in the people he would die for weren’t going to accept him.  Maybe…he felt abandoned.  The most religious people, the ones who were supposed to know God most, didn’t accept what he did for them, rather they mocked him as he hung dieing to give them the chance to really know God.  He died for his friends who ran away from him in the garden.   Christ had come to show people